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Red Dwarf Chicken Vindaloo Recipe |BEST|

[--------------------------------------------------------------------------] RED DWARF - SERIES 7[--------------------------------------------------------------------------] EPISODE 1 -- TIKKA TO RIDE[--------------------------------------------------------------------------] Version 1.02 17-24 January, 1997 Last updated: 30 April, 1997 Raz / Credits for corrections: Sea, Polygon, Matt Sommer, Paul Annett, Matt White (lots of info), Annette McIntosh & the original script, John Benton[-- 1 - Int. Starbug ------------------------------------------------------][For the first time in RD history we have a full, pre-titles Teaser. From black, the screen fills with kaleidoscopic swirls which resolve into a picture of Lister, rotated 90 degrees][LISTER present, standing]LISTER Hello? Testing, 1-2-3. Hello?LISTER Yeess! Well, here we go. Ship's log... erm... one. I've decided to keep a journal of life on boardship, and send it off in a probe. Since turning 28 I feel a new maturityabout myself - in fact I can't even remember the last time I tried tourinate on Rimmer from the top of D-deck - no, wait a minute... Friday. Butapart from that *one lapse*, maturity-wise I'm practically up there with AbeLincoln and Moses. Now, just recently we came across a craft, piloted by ourselves from 15years into the future. We had a bit of an argument, and they attacked us.See attached:[Cut to scenes from Out Of Time...]RIMMER Another lock!LISTER Incoming message...[The screen resolves to a picture of the Future Rimmer][Small section of original script edited out from TTR]FUTURE RIMMER (Mic.) [...] Either you give us access to the data we require, or be prepared tobe blasted out of the sky...[Large script chunk edited out of TTR - the ultimatum, discussion and decision to fight; the Dwarfer's succesful opening rounds and, as Lister fires the lasers, the first shot from the future crew which caused the feedback loop that detonated the panel in front of him, killing him instantly]RIMMER Cat!!KRYTEN ...Dead... but there may be a - RIMMER Kryten... Kryten![Rimmer, in soul-consuming shock, scrambles over to the motionless mechanoid, his hardlight hands grasping Kryten's shoulders, unable or unwilling to accept the truth.]RIMMER There may be a *what*? A way out of this? Is *that* what you were gonnasay?? S-Speak, Kryten! *How* can we change what's happening!?[Enter KRYTEN]LISTER Oh smeg!KRYTEN Have you been trying to explain about our future selves *again*, sir??LISTER I just thought I'd give it one more go -KRYTEN D'oh! That's the third camera this week! The machines just can't take it,sir.LISTER But I'm only trying to explain why Starbug's damaged, despite thetimeline being erased; 'cos this reality's unstable, and anomalies havemerged from both dimensions to cope with the paradox.KRYTEN Oh! Garbled, confusing, and quite frankly duller than an in-flightmagazine produced by 'Air Belgium'! Now just state our position andexplain we're down on supplies.[Exit KRYTEN]LISTER All right! All right![Exit Lister][-- 2 - Model shot --------------------------------------------------------][-- 3 - Int. A Starbug console room----------------------------------------][Console-mounted camera POV. Camara crackles to life, showing LISTER present, seated in front of console]LISTER This is Dave Lister of the JMC transport vehicle 'Starbug'. We're down onsupplies; we need help. Out. LISTER By the way, we're in space. Passed a sort of reddy moon a couple of daysago, co-ordinates enclosed.LISTER It's about *that* shape. You can't miss it.[-- 4 - Model shot --------------------------------------------------------][Starbug flying through space]LISTER [VO] Ships log, update: Friday, am. The battle with our future selves has hadthe most terrible consequences...[-- 5 - Int. Starbug sleeping quarters ------------------------------------][KRYTEN, LISTER present. Close two-shot]LISTER Wiped out..? Kryten, man, they *can't* be...KRYTEN I'm afraid so, sir. The laser cannon breached the main watertank andflooded supply deck B. They didn't stand a chance.LISTER Yeah, but surely --KRYTEN There was *nothing* we could do to save them, sir.LISTER So, now we've got no poppadoms at all?KRYTEN No poppadoms, no curries, all the Indian food supplies have been totaled.LISTER I'll have to survive without them then... I'll have salads.KRYTEN Sir! You're in shock, you don't know what you're saying.LISTER After all it's only curry.KRYTEN 'Only curry'? The enormity of it hasn't sunk in - you must mourn, sir.Don't you see? You must mourn.LISTER Curries...KRYTEN Ohhhh sirr, get it out! Cry like a baby!LISTER What am I gonna do? Curry night was the one little beacon I had... mademe feel like a normal ordinary guy, not some sad freak stuck in deep space;no woman, no hope, no curry.KRYTEN Worse still, a choice of only two alcoholic beverages: Cinzano Bianco, oradvocat. It's a human tragedy!LISTER No lager??KRYTEN Sir, there is nothing unmanly in howling like a hungry prairie dog.LISTER No lager!?KRYTEN *All* the supplies on B-deck were destroyed, sir. There wasn't even anywreckage, no debris, zip.LISTER God... a few beers and a curry, it was the highlight of my week!KRYTEN I used to look forward to curry night too, sir. seeing your little faceall happy and smiling, come rain or shine we'd always make time for currynight. Every Friday.LISTER Saturday.KRYTEN Sunday.LISTER Tuesday.KRYTEN Wednesday.LISTER Thursday. Always the same meal: three poppadoms with mango chutney -KRYTEN Those little onions -LISTER Dill pickle -KRYTEN That day-glow green mint sauce that just doesn't wash out -LISTER The red stuff that no-one knows what it is -KRYTEN Then a shami kebab starter -LISTER Followed by a chicken vindaloo, kamikaze hot, with a fire extinguisher onstand-by.KRYTEN And two scoops of kofi ice-cream.LISTER And two indigestion tablets. Life without curry? It's like Laurel without Hardy; the Lone Rangerwithout... that Indian bloke.KRYTEN Perhaps, you could learn to love... pasta?LISTER Pasta. You sick?[-- 6 - Model shot --------------------------------------------------------][-- 7 - Int. Starbug cockpit ----------------------------------------------][CAT, KRYTEN, RIMMER present, at stations. CAT and RIMMER each wear a black armband][Enter LISTER]LISTER You know the news? All the curry supplies have been destroyed.CAT/RIMMER We heard.RIMMER As a mark of respect, we thought on Sunday at 12 o'clock we could have aminute's flatulence.LISTER It's nothing to you guys, is it? It's changing my life!KRYTEN Sirs - the altercation with our future selves caused dimensional anomalieswhich have expanded the cargo deck by 212%! We should ascertain that thenew structure is stable.[-- 8 - Int. Cargo deck B -------------------------------------------------][ALL present. They stand at the entrance to the now-enormous cargo deck B. Gently sloping, ridged walls bevel outwards then curl back in, rising to a ceiling that towers above them, effectively forming a huge, flat-bottomed cylinder. The back wall of the deck is an ethereal, corrugated blue construction, and the floor is lost in thick mist which rises to their knees. They begin to walk slowly through the deck.]CAT So let me get this straight: time has returned to the point before wediscovered the Time Drive, right? So what's to stop us going back on boardthe Gemini 12 and picking it up all over again?RIMMER We have to avoid all forms of time travel; it's the only way of breakingour destiny line and ensuring we don't end up like our future selves.LISTER Yeah, but surely we can use the Time Drive if we're careful? You know, ifwe don't abuse it the way our future selves did? You know, if we'resensible and mature.RIMMER And do what?LISTER Go back in time to an Indian take-away and order 500 curries.KRYTEN Sir, the scheme is irresponsible, moronic, and preposterous!CAT All your hallmarks, bud!LISTER Look, one *really* big take-away order once every two years and ourproblems are over.CAT *Your* problems are over? Our problems are just beginning.KRYTEN What about causality? Interfering in the past no matter how minutelyalways alters the present. Cause, and effect!LISTER Look, I'm a curry-aholic! I've only got two tastebuds that work, I *need**curry*.RIMMER We can't afford to take any more chances. I say the Time Drive stays whereit is.CAT You know I'd rather wear sideways-pressed flares and a clip-on polyestertie than agree with goalpost head, but this time he's right.LISTER Oh *okay*. Okay.[-- 9 - Int. Somewhere within the newly expanded decks of Starbug ---------][ALL enter, climbing down a ladder positioned in front of a huge, backlit convection fan, whose blades whirl lazily. The Dwarfers begin to walk along another cylindrical corridor]KRYTEN Er, since that completes the B-deck inspection, sirs, permission tooff-line for the next twelve hours while I discard some old cache files?CAT How come you need more memory? Over the years, you've had more RAM than afield of sheep!KRYTEN My head is littered with unnecessary information, sir. The ability tosing the Bay City Rollers' greatest hits is no longer a priority. For mostcultural purposes, crooning "Bye Bye Baby" is more than sufficient.LISTER This clean up thing - how does it work exactly?KRYTEN I simply attach my RAM to the ship's computer and download the unwantedfiles into its trashfile.LISTER Your RAM's in your head, isn't it? So you won't actually be using yourbody, then?KRYTEN Why do you ask?LISTER Just interested. Robotics, it's fascinating, isn't it.[ALL exit][-- 9 - Int. Night. Starbug sleeping quarters -----------------------------][LISTER present. His alarm suddenly warbles, and LISTER wakes and silences it. Accompanied by tense 'Indiana Jones'-style music, He quickly climbs out of bed and leaves][-- 10 - Int. A Starbug console room --------------------------------------][KRYTEN present, sitting comatose at a computer console; his head is connected to the console by a flexible spiral-twirled cord like that of a phone handset. LISTER sneaks in, carrying a white plastic bag which he places on a desk. He then unscrews KRYTEN's head, wire still attached, and sets it down, then unwraps the spare head he brought with him and and screws it on to KRYTEN's body. KRYTEN's eyes pop open]KRYTEN My heavens - I'm head head!LISTER Ohhhh! Nice one, Kryts.RIMMER Where are we?KRYTEN It says 1966, I must have prodded us forward three years.RIMMER At least it'll give us time to analyse the original error.CAT Hey, there's nobody here, the entire city's deserted...[-- 17 - OB. Day. A deserted, abandoned street ----------------------------][ALL present. They are walking slowly along a wide, pleasant street which is completely devoid of any signs of life. Abandoned vehicles line the side of the road, and a breeze blows old litter around. In the back of one of the cars is an discarded newspaper - its headline reads: "Millions flee from American cities". It's like a scene from The Stand]LISTER I don't understand it, all we did is save Kennedy's life.CAT Is that bad? What kind of a dude was he?RIMMER He was a fine man.[-- 18 - OB. Day. A deserted, abandoned street ----------------------------][Scene cuts to a street further on in the city. All is the same as in the previous street, with one exception: the dead body of a man lies undisturbed on the pavement][ALL enter, CAT leading]CAT Look!LISTER Can you get anything for us from his scent?KRYTEN Just processing.

Red Dwarf Chicken Vindaloo Recipe


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